#from: hunger games spoof

[mariacallous]

There’s an international socialist conspiracy afoot, and it wants to make it easier to walk to the shops. Fringe forces of the far left are plotting to take away our freedom to be stuck in traffic jams, to crawl along clogged ring roads and trawl the streets in search of a parking spot. The liberty of the rush-hour commute, the sanctity of the out-of-town shopping centre and the righteousness of the suburban food desert is under threat as never before. The name of this chilling global movement? The “15-minute city”.

Westminster can often seem like a badly scripted spoof of itself, but rarely has parliament descended into parody as far as it did last week, when the Conservative MP for the South Yorkshire constituency of Don Valley, Nick Fletcher, launched a plucky tirade against the concept of convenient, walkable neighbourhoods. “Will the leader of the house please set aside time for a debate on the international socialist concept of so-called 15-minute cities and 20-minute neighbourhoods?” he asked, in an ominous tone. “Sheffield is already on this journey, and I do not want Doncaster, which also has a Labour-run socialist council, to do the same.”

It is not the first time that an online conspiracy theory has made it into the Commons chamber, but it may be one of the most surreal. Simply put, the 15-minute city principle suggests you should have your daily needs – work, food, healthcare, education, culture and leisure – within a 15-minute walk or bike ride from where you live. It sounds pleasant enough, but in the minds of libertarian fanatics and the bedroom commentators of TikTok, it represents an unprecedented assault on personal freedoms.

“Creepy local authority bureaucrats would like to see your entire existence boiled down to the duration of a quarter of an hour,” warned a furious presenter on GB News last week, as if describing a plot line from Nineteen Eighty-Four. The 15-minute city, he suggested, was a “dystopian plan”, heralding “a surveillance culture that would make Pyongyang envious”.

Never before has a mundane theory of urbanism been such a lightning rod for outrage. It’s like suggesting that public parks are part of a sinister plant-worshipping plot to demolish our homes and replace them with grass. Or that public transport is the work of a satanic bus cult. Some online forums have claimed that the 15-minute city represents the first step towards an inevitable Hunger Games society, in which residents will not be allowed to leave their prescribed areas. They see it not as a route to a low-traffic, low-carbon future, but as the beginning of a slippery slope to living in an open-air prison.

As one irate TikToker shrieked, while jumping around his room in disbelief: “You’re going to have to apply for a fucking permit to leave your zone!” (Although he also ascribed the 15-minute city plans to the Tories, so it’s not quite clear which deranged Reddit forum he got his information from).

There are lots of good reasons to interrogate the cute logic of the 15-minute city – could it actually lead to further social segregation? Would wealthy residents, and their money, remain in the prosperous enclaves? Who is providing the services and where do they live? – but the threat of our rights being curtailed by travel permits isn’t one of them.

The conspiracy theory pot was given a powerful stir in December, when the Canadian rightwing culture warrior Jordan Peterson decided to get involved. “The idea that neighbourhoods should be walkable is lovely,” he tweeted, in a post that has since clocked up 7.5m views. “The idea that idiot tyrannical bureaucrats can decide by fiat where you’re ‘allowed’ to drive is perhaps the worst imaginable perversion of that idea,” he continued, “and, make no mistake, it’s part of a well-documented plan.” Peterson quoted a tweet that featured the telltale hashtag #GreatReset, referring to the World Economic Forum’s post-pandemic economic recovery plan – widely used in the stranger corners of the internet as a byword for a shadowy global conspiracy intent on robbing us of our freedoms. The anti-vaccine, pro-Brexit, climate-denying, 15-minute-phobe, Great Reset axis is a strong one.

So where did the fear come from? Many of the UK conspiracy theorists highlight that these “un-British” ideas of urban walkability emanate from France, so they must be distrusted on principle. Worse than that, they point out, the ideology has been driven by a bearded Colombian scientist with radical roots. The ideas had been around since the 1920s, but the 15-minute city phrase was coined by Carlos Moreno, esteemed professor at the Panthéon-Sorbonne in Paris, who was once a member of a leftwing guerrilla group in the 1970s. And now he’s coming for your cars.

“Their lies are enormous,” Moreno said in a recent interview , describing some of the claims made by his critics. “You will be locked in your neighbourhood; cameras will signal who can go out; if your mother lives in another neighbourhood, you will have to ask for permission to see her, and so on,” adding that they “sometimes post pictures of concentration camps.”

Moreno first promoted his concept of la ville du quart d’heure in 2016, but it gained international attention when the mayor of Paris, Anne Hidalgo, adopted it as part of her re-election campaign in 2020. She promised she would close off roads and turn them into public plazas, plant more trees and turn schools into the “capitals of the neighbourhood”, open to everyone for sports and recreation in evenings and at weekends.

The pandemic proved to be a powerful trial for how a 15-minute city might work in practice, and led to bodies such as UN Habitat, the World Economic Forum, the C40 Global Cities Climate Network and the Federation of United Local Governments championing the cause – which also helped to boost unhinged fantasies that it is all part of a grand global scheme of totalitarian oppression.

More recently, the principles have gained traction in the UK, with Oxford, Birmingham, Bristol, Canterbury and Sheffield councils considering 15-minute city ideas. Cue outrage from those with no other cause left to flog. “The climate change lockdowns are coming,” tweeted Nigel Farage, in response to Canterbury’s innocuous traffic filtering scheme, while Oxford’s plans triggered similar ripples of incredulous fury.

“Oxfordshire County Council yesterday approved plans to lock residents into one of six zones to ‘save the planet’ from global warming,” screamed one alarmist headline. “The latest stage in the ‘15-minute city’ agenda is to place electronic gates on key roads in and out of the city, confining residents to their own neighbourhoods.” The claims had zero basis in fact, but they poured further fuel on the fire of those battling low-traffic neighbourhoods, and their fellow band of assorted culture warriors.

It seems fitting that a leaflet drop warning against Oxford’s traffic filters plan was organised by Not Our Future – a new pressure group led by none other than Fred and Richard Fairbrass of 1990s band turned anti-vaxxers Right Said Fred. Too sexy for their car? Maybe they could try cycling to the shops instead.

[limetimo]

RAB FICS I READ May

L'Astre Noir by Calypte black bros being bros (6 years age difference)

unremarkable days. by sadgorl focus wolfstar, regulus is in sirius' custody

This Is Why I Hate Mondays by AtomicMint crack spoofs

What We Do For The Cause by piximera for greenmegsnoham regulus seduces voldy to learn his secrets. it sucks (the plan, not the fic)

Take my love as the antidote, use me to treat your pain by fairies_withspirits sirius and regulus having comfort sex

Little Star (How Could I Love You If I Stayed?) by fairies_withspirits black bros cest

Two Knights Defence by Keysie  idk man dorcas regulus and remus are all werewolves under Queenie's plotty plots

We are Malfoys and we are Blacks: Pre-Hogwarts by Kiramiel regulus reborn as draco's twin

A Boy and his Cat by aCanadianMuggle regulus spends time with sirius secretly

Draco Malfoy and The Portrait at the End of the Hall little draco finds Regulus' portrait in the Manor. it changes things

been waiting a lifetime (to be with you) by justprompts harry and draco time travel

Three's Family by darkbluedark draco and harry time travel to Wiz war 1

Moonlight Shenanigans by puddinghater26 regulus went with snape and got werewolfed

El Reyezuelo de El Dorado by AmethystHeart2421 for greenmegsnoham regulus is wanting to fuck a werewolf, specifically his brother's boyfriend. it um kinda backfires???? idk its been a while since i read it

hair dye by justice_for_rab wrong number au jegulus

you'd ruin me with a smile by Valeriesgirl wrong number au jegulus

no ones gonna love you by allforthegayz wrong number au jegulus

The Cadence of Part-time Poets by motswolo wolfstar focus band au regulus is there

black, mirror shards by puddinghater26 sirius leaves Regulus the mirror when he runs away flash forward to the cave you get the gist very angsty very powerful very beautiful

Tale As Old As Time by xojosten Regulus and James get yot forward in time to golden trio's 8th year

to the dark lord by justwhatialwayswanted  !!!!!!!!!!! good shit. not joining voldemort not joining dumbledore but a secret third thing (creating a side of your own)

A Little Bird Told Me by MidnightStargazer regulus doesnt go to the cave and claims imperius. it's a bummer when voldy comes bakk in 95

The Sounds of Us by Sniper_Jade regulus/remus, regulus' music sooths remus' werewolf pains, v cute premise

Wolfsbane of My Existence by AmethystHeart2421 ravenclaw remus, remus/regulus

**Bonus Scene** - Shower Wank by AmethystHeart2421 wolfsbane of my existence regulus wanks in the shower

Sky Full of Stars by TowardTheStars focus is sirius and child sexual abuse in hollywood, mind the tags it gets really fucked up around chapter 18ish. severus/sirius, regulus is freinds with severus and lily

Umbrella Drinks by Patriceavril for nanneramma the suit life of peter and regulus (yes i made it a zac and cody reference lol)

Crimson Rivers by bizarrestars for moonymoment  i didn't read it because i knew it'd make me sad but ppl are going bonkers over it. hunger games au

The Journal of Regulus Arcturus Black by gokioh draco finds regulus' journal. it helps him make better decisions re: voldy

Waters Run Deep by knight_bus_of_doom crying creaming throwing up. can be rad alone but you really should read the first part of the series to get the maximum emotions out of it

The Only Faith We Have (is faith in us) by orphan_account jegulily modern muggle detectives au

The Life and Death of Regina Black by Sniper_Jade trans regulus said fuck it we ball

New Year's Eve, 1981 by MidnightStargazer this was really good. reading the series The Ancient and Ever-Changing House of Black is adviced

the hold you have on me by mcplestreet for swoons james smells regulus in his amoretia and gets really stalkery about it

grow as we go by quynhorlose sirius and his hair centric

Domestic Fluff (literally) by Zoya1416 they go fabric shopping!

Reborn from the Ashes by MidnightStargazer regulus teaches ancient runes and hunts horcruxes and also sirius escapes azkaban

I was enchanted to meet you by coincidences vernon dies and petunia starts dancing the new mysterious bachelor from number 6 (regulus) very neat i loved it

daisy chain lovers by Beyond_the_Grace petunia/regulus this is such a tiny ship but omg

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Joan, stuck on the catwalk: I’m kinda thirsty.

Joan: ARAGON!!!!! I NEED!!! WATER!!!!!!!!!

[crowdvscritic]

round up // DECEMBER 21

’Tis the season for Christmas favorites and squeezing in potential Best of the Year contenders. This Round Up is shorter than usual since December is for rewatching lots of Christmas favorites—you can find some all-time faves in my Letterboxd list if you’re still in the Christmas spirit. (I still am!) 

The fun facts about this Round Up comes in threes…

There are two three-quels

There are three musicals

Andrew Garfield, Vanessa Hudgens, and Lin-Manuel Miranda all make more than one appearance, and you can catch them all together in one of my picks

At least three of these movies will almost certainly make my Top 10 of 2021—check back in on my January Round Up to see which ones make the cut

December Crowd-Pleasers

1. Free Guy (2021)

Ryan Reynolds further proving he is a master of the comic facial expressions. Also, I just want Joe Keery to be a movie star! Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 6/10

2. The Running Man (1987)

Before The Hunger Games (or Squid Game), Arnold Schwarzenegger starred in a Stephen King adaptation about a life-or-death TV show in a future dystopia. It’s a spoof of consumerism and culture that wants us to entertain us to death; it’s also a solid ‘80s action-adventure. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 6.5/10

3. Double Feature - Absolutely Bonkers Sequels With Christmas Settings: Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990) + The Princess Switch 3: Romancing the Star (2021)

Do you want Christmas movies that are shy on the schmaltz and heavy on the bonkers? These sequels are made for you! In Gremlins 2: The New Batch (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 6.5/10), much of the original cast returns, as do those evil little buggers with a knack for destroying everything in their path. It’s somehow even more bonkers than the ’84 original, and now features a Gremlin who can talk! In The Princess Switch 3 (Crowd: 7/10 // Critic: 4/10), Vanessa Hudgens and Vanessa Hudgens and Vanessa Hudgens play a lookalike heiress, princess, and baker from Chicago, respectively. It’s the best kind of bad movie, full of over-the-top fashion, convoluted/poorly explained hijinks, and tons of Christmas decor. 

4. Spider-man: No Way Home (2021)

Some of the best cotton candy you’ll ever taste. You’ll realize later there was no lasting substance for the arc of Tom Holland’s Spider-man, but gosh darn it if it wasn’t the most delicious, spectacle-filled snack. Crowd: 10/10 // Critic: 6.5/10

5. Encanto (2021)

If spending the holidays with your family has confirmed your belief that your family is both the most amazing and the most dysfunctional group out there, Encanto knows how you feel. Mirabel’s family can control the weather, grow flowers, shape shift, lift anything, cure any ailment with baking, and hear a pin drop between them. But, like all families, the Madrigals have some drama. Fortunately, we get to work through it with new music from Lin-Manuel Miranda and another solid story in the Disney canon. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8/10

December Critic Picks

1. House of Gucci (2021)

Gaga! Driver! Pacino! Irons! Heck, I even loved Leto in this. House of Gucci was exactly what I hoped it would be—so much so it’s one of maybe 15 movies for which I would happily watch a 3+ hour version. This fashion-filled, Italian accent-overloaded, Macbeth meets King Lear drama of greed, succession, and murder rules. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 10/10

2. West Side Story (2021)

I wasn’t sure Steven Spielberg could pull off a worthy remake to one of my all-time favorite musicals, but this updated interpretation matched or exceeded the ‘60s classic in almost every way. (I did miss Russ Tamblyn quite a bit, though.) I suspect it’s even better when you don’t need to make an unplanned intermission for a tornado watch. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 10/10

3. I’ll Be Seeing You (1944)

Joseph Cotten and Ginger Rogers meet on a train over Christmas holiday and are immediately smitten, but secrets and a nosy cousin (Shirley Temple) threaten to ruin their vacation. A sweet but not-too-sentimental (and under-seen) Christmas classic. Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 8.5/10

4. Double Feature: Being the Ricardos + TCM’s The Plot Thickens Season 3 (2021)

Guys, I’m all in on Sorkin, and I love Lucy—Being the Ricardos is for me. While it took a bit for me to warm up to Nicole Kidman and Javier Bardem stepping into the pearls and coif I grew up watching in reruns, they won me over in their portrayal of all the drama behind one of the great sitcoms. Listen to TCM’s third season of their podcast all about Lucille Ball to learn how accurate Sorkin’s take on this season of her life is. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 9/10

5. tick, tick…BOOM! (2021)

Yes, this taps into my I’m-almost-30-and-what-have-I-actually-done-with-my-life anxiety, but Andrew Garfield and Lin-Manuel Miranda are affirming why they’re both big winners of 2021, and Jonathan Larson’s musical is full of music you’ll want to listen to again and again. Bonus: Vanessa Hudgens reminds me why I want the High School Musical squad in tons of musicals! Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 9/10

Also this December…

On SO IT’S A SHOW?, Kyla and I got smart with Get Smart in the season 5 finale of Gilmore Girls. It’s a a James Bond spoof that is still making us laugh today. So put down your shoe phone—unless that’s how you listen to podcasts—and join us for a discussion of spies, robots, KAOS, brainwashed dogs, switched briefcases, lots of apologies to the Chief, and a couple that likes to steal yachts for date night.

I checked out Finch and The Mitchells vs. the Machines in my quest to watch buzzy 2021 movies before the end of the year. They didn’t make the cut for my Round Ups, but it did inspire me to make a Letterboxd list of movies with notable St. Louis moments since my hometown appeared in both of those films. 

Photo credits: IMDb.com.

[battlestar-royco]

okay here it is, part 1 of my sci fi tv and movies rec list! i’ve split it up into 2, kind of by tone and theme. these recs are on the lighter side. part 2 is for fans of darker sci fi. i could’ve gone on tbh but i had to draw the line somewhere. it’s not perfect but i hope you find something you like that you haven’t heard of! full titles, trigger warnings, and diversity/general notes under the cut. ask box open for any more specific questions!

part 2/2

If you liked STAR TREK and STAR WARS:

Black Mirror: USS Callister: (tw: simulated child loss, brief torture) coworkers get trapped inside their boss’s Star Trek spoof video game. It’s led by a white woman but the entire cast is pretty diverse (Michaela Coel!!!) and it’s critical of white edgelords. Dark moments balanced with funny!

Firefly: (tw: sexual harassment in one episode, sex worker phobia, Joss Whedon-ness) I think this one is more well-known; a small space crew travels the solar system taking on any weird jobs they can get. Two leading WOC, a black man, one interracial relationship.

Avenue 5: (tw: some dark humor, language) Star Trek meets the Titanic. Funny! I’ll leave it at that. 3 leading WOC, a canonically pan main character in a poly and interracial relationship.

Black Mirror: Be Right Back: (tw: grief, partner loss) a woman’s SO dies and she simulates his resurrection through a software that scans his social media accounts. This one isn’t diverse but it’s an hour of Domhnall Gleeson, if he’s your thing!

Stargate: (tw: 90s/00s racism/sexism) tbh I haven’t watched most of the content but I’d say it’s on par with a Star Trek kind of thing. SGA stars two or three POC in a cast of like 7 regulars.

If you liked PACIFIC RIM:

Black Mirror: Hang the DJ: (tw: none that I can recall) a man and woman fall in love via dating app. It doesn’t have monsters, but it’s an incredibly charming episode that exhibits some of Black Mirror’s best qualities imo and I think people who like the Raleigh/Mako dynamic will like what these two have!! Interracial relationship between a black woman and a white man; black woman is blink-and-you-miss-it bi, but still canonically bi.

Cloverfield (tw: violence/blood, frequent flashes, shaky cam): found-footage flick about aliens attacking New York. Basic and not too diverse but it has the huge monster appeal and I like the found-footage aspect.

Edge of Tomorrow: (tw: VB) Groundhog Day alien apocalypse. it’s Tom Cruise buuuuut you get to see Emily Blunt at her most “I’ll end you”-est so like? Worth it I think??

Arrival: (tw: child loss) aliens come to Earth to offer something to the humans. A little slow, but definitely a different take and some cool-looking aliens.

The Host: (tw: child loss) A girl gets kidnapped by a huge river monster. it’s in Korean and all the characters are Asian. Directed by Bong Joon-ho and starring Kang-Ho Song and Bae Doona!! Plus environmentalist commentary.

If you liked MARVEL and DC:

Misfits: (tw: sex, language, violence, rape) imagine one of those superhero teams like the Avengers except they’re all criminals who’ve given up on life and don’t actually care about making the world a better place. Chaotic stupid energy. Two black leads :)

Push: (tw: a few bloody scenes) Chris Evans before Cap?? Dakota Fanning before Twilight? Secret government experiments and black ops superpower organizations? You love to see it!

Fast Color: (tw: past drug use referenced) superpowers that pass down from generation to generation in a family of black women. Need I say more? Need I say any fucking more?!?!

Sense8: (tw: child loss, grief, lots of nudity and sex, drug use, language, infidelity) 8 people around the world start experiencing each other’s lives and borrowing each other’s skill sets. This is probably THE most intersectional and diverse show I have ever seen. An international cast and setting that reaches almost every continent, leading trans lesbian, multiple QPOC. Truly incredible and one of my absolute favorites.

Jupiter Ascending: (tw: bees) I actually don’t really like this movie but I do think it has its appeal and I appreciate how much it is just unabashedly itself. Don’t take it too seriously! The cast is kinda wild too--Mila Kunis, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Channing Tatum!!! And it’s by the Wachowskis, AKA the two trans sisters who did The Matrix and Sense8!

If you liked THE HUNGER GAMES:

Gattaca: (tw: implied body modification, trichophobia, eugenics) in a society that discriminates against genes, a man with a heart condition assumes another’s identity in order to achieve his dream of becoming an astronaut. I love this movie. It’s very moody and soft with a really compelling dynamic between the two leading men which I’ve always read as gay.

Snowpiercer: (tw: VB, minor cannibalism) yet another winner from Bong Joon-ho, who’s surprised? All of humanity lives on a train in which all the cars are stratified by class. This is my favorite of all the movies from all the Chrises. Evans is by far my favorite Chris for this!!! It also features Octavia Spencer and Kang-Ho Song! Piping hot class war tea pre-Parasite.

V for Vendetta: (tw: torture, I don’t remember a lot of the details sorry!) I haven’t watched this movie in a minute so I don’t remember how much I actually liked it, but I thought it was worth mentioning because it’s a classic dystopian movie.

Children of Men: (tw: infertility, childbirth, VB) humanity has lost the ability to procreate for 2 decades until one day a resistance group discovers a pregnant woman. Holy crap so much extremely relevant and prescient commentary on immigration, race, class, and refugee crises!!!

Akira: (tw: disturbing imagery, objectification, nudity) I don’t really remember this one much either? But it’s Japanese, there’s biker gangs, and it’s super weird.

The 100: (tw: VB, kill your gays/POC trope, suicide, torture, child loss) 100 juvenile delinquents are dropped onto Earth and chaos ensues. I think most people know that this show is plagued with issues but it really does have a special place in my heart and I think it changed the conversation and standards re: the treatment of wlw in genre fiction. It starts off cheesy and slow but the stakes are SO high all the time and it’s full of thought-provoking ethical dilemmas.

[ganymedesclock]

Hungry Knight & Characterizing Ghost

Y’know, it’s interesting, as far into Hollow Knight as I am, and having been aware of Hungry Knight for some time, I haven’t checked it out before very recently. Upon rectifying that, there’s really something interesting in how much of the game is recognizable from this bare bones, two-minute little thing. Obviously there’s a grandiosity and complexity of story that Hollow Knight possesses that Hungry Knight simply couldn’t be of the scale of, but as a sort of primal eggshell the rest of the game hatched out of, it’s very interesting.

The three guardians that are hunted in Hungry Knight are simply boss enemies; they are not given backstory, and hunting them is basically an unambiguously good action. It’s interesting how this progressed to the execution of the Dreamers in Hollow Knight- but what I find illuminating about the Hungry Knight’s journey to its ‘proper’ game sequel is that at its most bare bones, Hungry Knight is a story about Ghost- our Ghost, as we recognize them- who is hailed by Mister Mushroom as the same being, even though he’s sort of breaking the fourth wall to do so and thus Hungry Knight is not in-universe canonical to Ghost’s history- hunting three beings, in order to save the life of a being like themselves.

With many of the major beats of Hollow Knight following an extended, more elaborate imagining of Hungry Knight’s simplistic two-minute plot, I think this characterizes Ghost’s perspective and motives for returning to the kingdom interestingly. 

Another related area of interest to me is that Ghost is very finished compared to everything else in this game that received intense reimagining. Their mainstays remain nail attacks and dashing; the hunger system is a clear predecessor of soul- in essence, Ghost as they are in HK does “hunger” and need to “feed” themselves- it’s just that the timing of such is dependent on the damage they take, rather than time.

However- Ghost also, in Hungry Knight, talks. Not to any NPCs in the game world, because they have no one to speak to- but directly to the player. 

Ghost speaks twice; in the opening card explaining the controls:

I’m a knight. I have something I need to do.

And I’m hungry.

I need to eat every 10 seconds or I will die.

I must search the area carefully.

I must strike swiftly and remorselessly

I must be nimble to avoid danger

I must not fail, whatever happens. I am ready.

And at the end:

Thank you for your help. I couldn’t have done it without you.

Again, given how polished this proto-Ghost is to the finished character in Hollow Knight, I want to take this as an indicator of how Ghost would speak through some kind of proxy around their voicelessness. What follows is basically take-it-or-leave-it headcanon, but going off Hungry Knight as a guideline:

Ghost is very blunt. They contain a bit of the eloquence that perfumes all dialogue in Hollow Knight, really, and they’re not shy of using fancier language, but they express their ideas in very simple words. They seem to think it’s rather important that they are specifically a knight- and this statement exists in absence of them being a knight of or for anything. They do not seem to have an order or affiliation, or- in fact- loyalty to anything in the game world of Hungry Knight except their fallen friend.

They also show a predilection towards imperatives, which is interesting. Outside of the hunger limit which is a factual stating of boundaries, they cite four edicts with rather intense gravity:

Search the area carefully

Strike swiftly and remorselessly 

Be nimble to avoid danger

Do not fail, whatever happens

The existence of these edicts is interesting. The idea of Ghost as someone who internalizes certain things that they take completely seriously and unflinchingly / refuse to compromise on is one not foreshadowed by their very subdued body language. But it betrays a whole host of implied values. That Ghost values precision, caution (they are not reckless in the risks they take) and adaptation, but, also, believes firmly that this caution and adaptation must ultimately serve their end goal.

The biggest reason this is interesting to me? Zote.

Here’s the thing about Zote: he was pretty clearly designed in Ghost’s likeness. Their cloaks are similar. Their weapons are similar. The shape of their horns are similar. While he is in other ways clearly his own character, Zote was conceived as a caricature of Ghost.

Zote insists that he is a principled creature, insists that he is a knight, and has an exhaustive, lengthy list of personal edicts that he insists lead him to success through every situation; however, those edicts are in some ways useless advice; in others, they are useful, but not in the way that a personal creed generally would be.

So, if we’re going off Hungry Knight: Zote as a caricature of Ghost, may, with his 47 Precepts, be caricaturing the idea that Ghost themselves carries and lives by a personal creed.

Some of these things are implied per my earlier headcanon, that the more “neutral-seeming” notes on the top half of the Hunter’s Journal entries represent Ghost’s impressions. These upper-half journal entries, and overall gameplay of Hollow Knight, would seem to align with Ghost’s stated edicts in Hungry Knight.

“I must search the area carefully” -> Ghost’s notes, compared to the Hunter’s, are detailed and factual. They often discuss what weapons a creature uses, whether or not it is trained, its origins... and, take special note of anything that is or used to be a knight, or adhering to a personal creed. (note the sentry enemies in particular, and how much Ghost mentions their hierarchy and weapon choices. The White Defender is also described as “gallant”, in contrast to the dismissive way the Hunter speaks of the Dung Defender). What’s more interesting is that some of the most formidable enemies in the game- Radiance, and Nightmare King Grimm- are given extremely sparing descriptions by Ghost- as if they are struggling to describe what they are beholding.

Likewise, a huge amount of Hollow Knight’s gameplay, especially if you want anything besides the worst ending, or just to make your going easier, involves scouring the game world tenaciously. Both Hornet and Hunter suggest Ghost has a predilection to dogging others’ trails; Quirrel and Cornifer both suggest Ghost is a kindred spirit to them as someone grasped by the love of exploration, and the Old Stag likewise commends them when they open the Queen’s Station.

“I must strike swiftly and remorselessly” -> not only is this one spoofed by Zote (he has a precept about exploiting weaknesses, a precept about felling enemies in a single stroke...) but Ghost is basically never reluctant to throw down with anything that seems about to attack. The Hunter cites Ghost as approaching without fear after he roars at them, and Quirrel’s dialogue outside the mantis village suggests that without much of a clear sense that the mantises are obstructing Ghost’s progress, they’re eager to challenge the Lords. Likewise, the Radiance does not attack you immediately, but Ghost still hops to the highest peak of her domain and tells her exactly how they feel with a single brandished nail.

Likewise, everything Godseeker tells them seems to galvanize them onward, even though initially their motivation may have been curiosity. This even lines up with, according to Hungry Knight, at least, that Ghost defines themselves first by their job, and second by the fact that they have something they need to do- and they do not consider failure any kind of viable option.

As far as remorselessness... there are in fact several times in the game you can cut someone down and then realize afterwards maybe you shouldn’t have. Encountering fully infected Myla is basically set up to encourage it- a player might assume that in defeating her, she could be saved, or just be startled by her attack and retaliate the way that the game has trained us. Her unique dying cry, to me, suggests that the game expected us to hear it.

Likewise, the Nailsmith asks to be cut down, and, if you oblige him, it happens extremely quickly and without effort.

The interesting other side of that is someone who tells themselves to act without remorse, is, generally, someone who is predisposed to regrets- which we know Ghost is, given the canonical information available about the Shade, and that the Shade is already pre-loaded into the Hunter’s Journal on unlock... suggesting Ghost has been forced to contend with it before in the wastelands beyond the kingdom.

Similarly, both Grimm and Brumm in the Grimm Troupe questline prod at the idea that Ghost must make their choice, knowingly, and choose something they won’t regret doing. There’s also the absolutely heartbreaking song of the Hollow Knight battle, and Godseeker’s comments on the Pure Vessel fight that Ghost may yearn to be close to their sibling, but can only get there through combat.

So this particular edict is something emotionally shaky to Ghost- they feel like they have to attack quickly without hesitation, and it’s seen them through many enemies, but... as far as attacking remorselessly- they, uh, don’t always succeed.

“I must be nimble to avoid danger” -> platforming and evasion are huge parts of the game. Given the amount of health bosses have, hanging back, moving around attacks, and finding the right places to heal is an imperative regardless of play style. There are few bosses you can really efficiently face-tank through and you need to do a LOT of charm work, and screaming of either the internal or external variety to succeed there (ask me how I know,) The majority of the upgrades you unlock are about maneuverability. 

“I must not fail, whatever happens.” -> Much of the game, especially Hornet, is basically about interrogating Ghost’s resolve, and whether or not they’re okay with what’s going to happen to them. This refusal to give up in the face of outstanding adversity is a huge quality of Ghost’s, and basically one that the game sympathetically cultivates in the player. This is a game with a harsh and demanding learning curve, and, basically, if you’re going to see it through, you need to commit to it.

However, like Ghost’s belief they need to lack remorse, this walks a dicey line. At their worst, Ghost can ignore everyone and everything, write them off as distractions, minimize their observations of their surroundings and blind themselves to everything except the next obstruction in the way of their goal.

However, in that worst ending? Ghost does fail, if you look at what Hungry Knight says about Ghost’s motives. What proto-Ghost thanks the player for is being able to save their friend and leave that place together.

In the base ending of Hollow Knight, Ghost is unable to save Hollow. Instead, they cut Hollow down, and replace them, making a meaningless sacrifice that won’t save anyone else, either- just buy them more time, in a stasis that has already led to decay.

“Thank you, I couldn’t have done it without you.”

All of the better endings are facilitated by engaging with other characters. For Dream No More, you need Hornet and the White Lady’s help, and seeking closure from the Pale King’s body and the bottom of the Abyss. Ghost has to confront their past there- twice- and face, and embrace, their regrets. The opening to dream nail Hollow rather than cutting them down is only created by Hornet believing in Ghost enough to risk her life entering the Black Egg Temple and tackle Hollow to hold them down.

Embrace The Void takes that even further- you need all of those criteria, and then you need to rummage in two different areas, very far away from each other, to find first a key, and then a sarcophagus, and keep prodding the weirdo that falls out of said sarcophagus, even when she’d really rather you didn’t. And even that has unpleasant consequences unless you go even further, and rummage enough to find a way to deliver a Delicate Flower to Godseeker.

Ultimately, Ghost only gets what they want by letting others in. They only accomplish what they do with help. And this is important, when, again, Hungry Knight would point towards the idea that everything Ghost does is to the end goal of saving another person. They want, ultimately, to protect Hollow.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Guide: “Inspired by” and Types of Derivative Stories

There are many ways writers can be inspired by existing stories, and since we were recently talking about plagiarism versus inspiration, now seemed like a good time to go into a little more detail. Disclaimer: I’m not a lawyer and nothing said here should be taken as legal advice. :)

“Inspired By” an Existing Story

You almost can’t watch a modern day police, medical, or law drama without hearing things like “inspired by true events” or “ripped from the headlines.” Any time a particular type of story does well as a book, movie, or series, it’s sure to be followed by a slew of similar ones. That’s why we saw an uptick in dystopican fiction after the popularity of The Hunger Games, and why we see trends in things like superheroes, disasters, and monsters. Being inspired by another type of story just means you do something similar. The ideas you take from it are few and very basic. You might be inspired to write a vampire love story after watching Twilight, and by it’s very nature, that’s going to require you to have someone fall in love with a vampire. That’s not plagiarism. Plagiarism is when you do it in the exact same way as the story that inspired you. As long as your characters, setting, and plot are completely different, that’s fine. But they have to be big changes. Don’t set your story in some other really rainy place and make your vampires “twinkle” (instead of sparkle) in the sunlight.

Types of Derivative Stories

So, where do things like Wicked, Cinder, West Side Story, Reign, and fan-fiction fall? These are derivative stories in that they take specific elements from the source story and repackage them in some way. These stories aren’t simply inspired by the original work/situation/event, they’re actually based on it. And there are loads of different types of these stories and rules for when you can do them.

Fan-Fiction is a type of derivative story we’re all pretty familiar with, where you take at least one element from a copyrighted source story and use it to create new stories. These stories may take place within the existing story (such as Harry, Ron, and Hermione going on a picnic one day after class), parallel to the existing story (a month in the life of Dudley, while his cousin is away at Hogwarts), or completely outside of it (Harry and Ron are just regular guys who meet at a regular college.) Because the source material is copyrighted, you can’t publish fan-fiction or profit from it in any way.

Licensed Fiction is more or less legal fan-fiction, where the story’s writer has been granted a license to create a new story using elements of the original one. An example would be Leigh Bardugo’s Warbringer, which is based on DC’s Wonder Woman franchise as part of the licensed DC Icons series. Whether DC approached Random House about teaming up or the other way around, DC was in on it. You would either need to be approached by someone who has the licensing rights or you would need to approach them and get permission.

Prequels and Sequels are a type of fiction that precedes or continues an existing story. Writers typically write the prequels and sequels to their own stories, but sometimes writers create prequels and sequels to stories that aren’t their own, either with permission from the copyright holder or with a story that’s in the public domain. Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys is a prequel to Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre. Jean Rhys was able to write the novel because Jane Eyre is in the public domain. Death Comes to Pemberley by P.D. James is a sequel to Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice. Once again, the source story (P&P) is in the public domain. You could not write a prequel or sequel to a copyrighted story without permission from the copyright holder.

Retellings are when you take an existing story and frame it up in a new way. Sometimes, a retelling bears very little resemblance to the source material outside of a few borrowed elements. Other times, the story mirrors the original much more closely with a few important changes or twists. West Side Story is a retelling of Romeo and Juliet, which moves the story out of 16th century “fair Verona” into the tumultuous streets of 1950s New York. The popular YA novel Cinder by Marissa Meyer is a retelling of the classic Cinderella fairytale, even though the protagonist is a cyborg living in a futuristic city. Most retellings are derived from public domain sources like folk tales, fairytales, myths, and old books. You couldn’t do a retelling of Jaws, for example, unless you had permission from the copyright holder.

Spin-offs are when you take an element of the source story and give it its own life. For example, if you wrote a story about Emma’s friend Harriet that’s set five years after Emma when Harriet and her husband move to a new town, that would be a spin-off rather than a retelling or sequel, because you’re not rehashing or continuing the events of Emma. It’s a whole new story.

Parodies are a type of derivative fiction that imitates the source material, typically for comic effect. For example, the Harvard Lampoon released a Twilight parody book called Nightlight: A Parody, about a girl named Belle Goose who falls in love with sparkly vampire Edwart Mullen in the town of Switchblade, Oregon. From the blurb: And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me... a clear spoof of the Twilight blurb. Because they imitate the original work in an attempt to comment on it, rather than out of theft, parodies of copyrighted source material tend to be allowed, but obviously it’s much more complicated than that and worth consulting a copyright lawyer if you plan to write one.

Adaptations can be another word for “retellings,” but it can also describe stories that are adapted from one form to another. You might adapt an old folk song or an ancient poem into a story, or perhaps a real event, such as the life of Queen Victoria or the imprisonment and execution of Joan of Ark. If you wanted to adapt a modern work into a novel, you would need permission from the copyright holder.

The truth of the matter is you can write whatever you want--you just can’t publish or profit off of anything that involves copyright infringement, so if you write a derivative story and aren’t sure whether or not it’s safe to publish, it’s always a good idea to consult a lawyer who can help you navigate the often complicated legalities of derivative fiction. :)

[builder051]

2 & 7?

2: Vampires or werewolves?

Hmmm. Since this game isn't directed as anything except "choose one," I suppose vampires. I make that choice because I have raynaud's disease and metabolic issues with maintaining body temperature (in short: I am always cold to the touch and need medical care if my body spends too much energy trying to stay warm instead of doing other executive functions.) Yes, I was the age of young-adult-book-consumer when Twilight was a thing. It kept me busy. Then I promptly moved onto the next thing, which I think was Hunger Games. (You know who is a total TwiHard-for-life, though?? My MOM.) I've listened to enough podcasts and watched enough PBS to understand the (Western) legends behind the vampire and tuberculosis and bubonic plague and the stages of body decomp...Cool history stuff.

7: Originals or remakes?

If we are talking about movies, I'm going to go with originals ~ 90% of the time.

Remakes, in this context, I will specifically define as "film covers" in which the exact story of an existing film is used as the plot in a new film with a new cast. This does NOT include made-for-TV live musicals, "based on" media presented in serial episodes, or spoof films. I'm only going to refer to remakes in the "film covers" way.

Since Halloween is an implied part of this game, I'm going to go ahead and say that Rocky Horror is Rocky Horror and will always be Rocky Horror, and it will forevermore be treated as the spectacle that Rocky Horror is. The film has completely earned its in/famous reputation. Rocky Horror is not harmful. Rocky Horror does not need censorship. Rocky Horror is for adults. Rocky Horror is optional.

The made-for-tv live version starring Laverne Cox singing some slightly more family friendly lyrics...um. Also happened.

Now, the only film (as of yet) for which I can say ,with confidence, has a notably better remake is A Star Is Born (2018), starring Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. I recommend getting a pirated download or finding it on a free streaming service and watching the first, oh, 30 or 40 minutes? It's very funny and quite emotional, and it's different from the original because the situations play off the actors' personalities, rather than having them just copy what was done in the original.

DO NOT under any circumstances watch the film to the end. It is disturbing and triggering. I understand how the film moves on to that ending, and it does go along with what's in the original, but it's just... not pleasant. If you are watching and you get to the award show scene where the female character is on stage getting her award and the male character bumbles across the stage and acts all drunk and stupid-- that's a good place to stop.

Oh, and if I'm allowed to twist the question a little bit and ask for a remake... or a cover, rather...

Greta Van Fleet, would you ever consider please covering some Humble Pie? My soul would be eternally lifted if I could hear my favorite Frampton from my favorite band....pls?

[tredlocity]

you know what’s great? there’s two separate parody spoof films of The Hunger Games, one called The Starving Games and the other is called The Hungover Games, and they’re from completely different and unrelated creators. and by great i mean terrible

[lipsyncforyourlife]

LOGO’S “NEWNOWNEXT AWARDS” ANNOUNCES 2012 WINNERS

Hosted by Kelly Osbourne, Live Telecast

Premieres Monday, April 9, at 10/9c on Logo

  LOS ANGELES, CA — April 6, 2012 –  Bringing together the most buzzed about new talent in film, television, fashion and music, Logo’s fifth annual “NewNowNext Awards” returned to Los Angeles today with a spectacular show hosted by Kelly Osbourne.

Always at the forefront of the styles, trends, personalities and guilty pleasures on the verge of a pop culture explosion, this always unpredictable show brought together today’s hottest celebrities and tomorrow’s brightest stars for a night of brilliant performances, outrageous awards and fierce entertainment! Logo’s “NewNowNext Awards” 2012 premieres Monday, April 9, at 10/9C on Logo. As voted on by the public, the 2012 “NewNowNext Award” winners are the following: •    Next Mega Star – Josh Hutcherson (“The Hunger Games”) •    Most Addictive Reality Star – Nadia G. (“Bitchin’ Kitchen,” Cooking Channel) •    Cause You’re Hot – Naya Rivera (“Glee,” Fox) •    TV You Betta Watch – “GCB” (ABC) •    Best New Indulgence – “Revenge” (ABC) •    Superfan Site Award – www.vampire-diaries.net •    Next Must-See Movie – “The Avengers” (Paramount) •    Beyond Style Award– Kelly Osbourne (TV Personality) and Andrej Pejić (Model) •    Brink of Fame, Music Artist – (Neon Hitch, Warner Bros. Records)* Complete list of nominees below Taking the evening to a fever pitch were the live, and always cutting-edge, musical performances of Adam Lambert, Neon Hitch, Neon Trees and Rye Rye.The show also featured presenters including Aisha Tyler (“The Talk”), Busy Phillips (“Cougar Town”), Eden Wood (“Eden’s World”), George Kotsiopoulos (“Fashion Police”), Heather McDonald (“Chelsea Lately”), Kat Graham (“The Vampire Diaries”), Kyle Richards (“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”), Lamorne Morris (“The New Girl”), Leven Rambin (“The Hunger Games”), Matt Lanter (“90210”), Perez Hilton, Ross Mathews, RuPaul (“RuPaul’s Drag Race”) and Wendi McLendon-Covey (“Bridesmaids”).And what would the “NewNowNext Awards” be without the outrageous antics and some spectacular spoofs from “RuPaul’s Drag Race: Season 4’s” favorite and most controversial queens including Willam, Sharon Needles, Jiggly Caliente and Milan, among others?The W Hotels Backstage Lounge played host to exclusive celebrity interviews at this year’s awards and was the first stop for winners.  Inspired by the design of W Hollywood, one of the W brand’s global flagship properties, which combines old Hollywood glamour with modern, cutting-edge design, the W Hotels Backstage Lounge was an insider’s escape for the night’s hottest stars.“W Hotels has been an active supporter of the LGBT community since its inception in 1998,” said Carlos Becil, Vice President, North American Brand Management, W Hotels Worldwide. “With a history of dynamic Pride programming, charitable partnerships, same-sex marriage initiatives, and recognition from leading LGBT organizations, our partnership with Logo’s NewNowNext Awards is yet another way we’re demonstrating our dedication to being a spirited part of the community.”The “NewNowNext Awards” are Executive Produced by Christopher Willey and Brent Zacky for Logo.  Michael Dempsey of Dempsey Productions serves as Executive Producer and Director.For more information, visit NewNowNext.com. Complete List of Nominees for the 5th Annual “NewNowNext Awards” 2012 Next Mega Star (5) •    Lizzy Caplan (“New Girl,” FOX) •    Josh Hutcherson (“The Hunger Games”) •    Michael B. Jordan (“Parenthood,” NBC) •    Elizabeth Olsen (“Kill Your Darlings”) •    Emily VanCamp (“Revenge,” ABC) Most Addictive Reality Star (6) •    Abby Lee Miller (“Dance Moms,” Lifetime) •    Andy Cohen (“Watch What Happens Live,” Bravo •    Big Ang (“Mob Wives,” VH1) •    Evelyn (“Basketball Wives,” VH1) •    Nadia G. (“Bitchin’ Kitchen,” Cooking Channel) •    Willam (“RuPaul’s Drag Race,” Logo) Cause You’re Hot (6) •    Channing Tatum (“Magic Mike,” WB) •    Henry Cavill (“The Tudors,” Showtime) •    Jessica Lange (“American Horror Story,” FX) •    Naya Rivera (“Glee,” Fox) •    Novak Djokovic (tennis player)•    Paula Patton (“MI4,” Paramount) TV You Betta Watch (6) •    “Game of Thrones” (HBO) •    “GCB” (ABC) •    “Homeland” (Showtime)•    “Portlandia” (IFC) •    “Savage U” (MTV) •    “Shameless” (Showtime) Best New Indulgence (4) •    “Absolutely Fabulous” Revival (BBC/Logo) •    Pinterest.com •    Seamless.com •    “Revenge” (ABC) Superfan Site Award (6) •    http://adam-lambert.org •    http://ladygaganow.net •    http://lipsyncforyourlife.tumblr.com •    http://realitytvgifs.tumblr.com •    http://trueblood-news.com •    http://vampire-diaries.net Next Must-See Movie (6) •    “Magic Mike” (WB) •    “Moonrise Kingdom” (Focus) •    “Prometheus” (Fox) •    “Snow White & The Huntsman” (Universal) •    “Ted” (Universal) •    “The Avengers” (Paramount) Beyond Style Award (5) •    Andrej Pejić (Model) •    ChinaChow (“Work of Art,” Bravo) •    Jeremy Scott (Designer) •    Kelly Osbourne (TV Personality) •    Sean Avery (Writer) Brink-of-Fame: Music Artist (6) •    Azealia Banks (Interscope Records) •    Childish Gambino (Glassnote Records) •    FUN. (Atlantic Records) •    Jessie J (Universal Republic Records) •    Neon Hitch (Warner Bros. Records) •    Rebecca Ferguson (Columbia Records)

[pubtheatres1]

THE BIG AWKWARD FAMILY SKETCH SHOW Directed by James Messer Presented/Written by Blank Tin Productions The Water Rats Theatre 13th – 15th August Part of Camden Fringe ‘You never knew quite what was going to come next’ ★★★ Blank Tin’s newest production finds its inspiration from a mix of pop culture references, absurdity, word play, slapstick, improvisation, etcetera; every type of sketch you can think of, there was an example of it at some point in the show. You never knew quite what was going to come next. Despite the variety of content and the commitment and energy of the cast there were some hits and some misses. This is not unusual for sketch comedy; there is a rarely a sketch show in which all the sketches are big hitters. But beginning the evening, MCing were Elle Banstead-Salim and Dustin Thorn, who introduced the new TV program ‘Leave a Bunch of C*nts on an Island to Die’, a spoof of Love Island which saw it turn more into scenes from The Hunger Games. IT returned a few more times throughout the show. It was funny, but not entirely unpredictable (I leant over to my friend before it began and said ‘I wonder if there’ll be anything about Love Island.’) so when it’s something that people might be expecting the sketch has to be truly, truly great to stand out among the many others that are also doing the same thing. There were other sketches that also played on well-known references; famous horror movie monsters (Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster and the American Werewolf in London) meeting outside the room at an audition for a porn film, and Karma going to therapy. Mixed among these were shorter sketches some stronger than others. Dustin Thorn’s ‘Tenuous Links with Dustin Thorn’ was a brilliantly simple sketch, extremely well performed by Thorn, that indulged in the how tricky it is to link sketches, and definitely helped combat the awkwardness that can come between the action. Another strong moment was a sketch involving nuns, performed brilliantly by Banstead-Salim and Ollie Hanrahan-Barnes introducing Father James (officially declared ‘not guilty’, cue music, lights and cheering), as well as Jesus Christ as though they were rock stars. The company were all good actors in their own right and definitely all had strong moments. However, it seemed to me that often when a sketch didn’t go quite as well as they thought it would there was a bit of panic and then there was a habit of stretching for or forcing the comedy. There was also sometimes a lack of specificity, in movements or character choices, which meant the sketch was good but not great. Perhaps a bit more focus on details would help the actors feel more settled and calmer and would also help the sketches land more directly with the audience. When you’re switching scenes/characters every 2-3 minutes, they need to feel very different every time, otherwise the show tends to plateau very quickly and doesn’t continue on an upward trajectory. This is a talented company, trying some things out. There were some good sketches and some not so good sketches, that’s the nature of it. I also think the company could maybe explore giving it a different title. Seeing as it was called ‘The Big Awkward Family Sketch Show’ I was expecting at least some sketches that focused on familial interactions and situations. But sketch comedy is an unforgiving and unpredictable art form, for all I know I was just there on an off night. I have no doubt as to the talent of the company and the writers, and will definitely be following their progress and future shows. The Big Awkward Family Sketch Show Directed by James Messer Presented/Written by Blank Tin Productions Keep up with the company here: https://twitter.com/Blank_Tin Verity Williams is a poet, actor, playwright, dog enthusiast and committed gin drinker (not necessarily in that order). Born and raised in Dorset, Verity has a BA in English and Drama from Royal Holloway, an MA in Creative Writing from Bath Spa and an MA in Acting from East 15. @Verity_W_

[yourdeepestfathoms]

[Six is stuck on a doorknob by her hoodie]

Six: I'm kinda thirsty.

Six [at the top of her lungs]: JANITOR! I NEED WATER!!!

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 11

Zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

"Groove On Fight" --Sega Saturn-- (Atlus) -1997- *Imagine a Japanese pretty boy version of Christopher Walken with a neo biker / leather cowboy fetish. Now imagine an entire, -wealthy & powerful- "Game of Thrones style" inbred family of them all with some peculiar fetish. They fight it out for control of the family. The matriarchy of the family is two grannies tied back to back like Siamese bondage twins. One fight takes place on the back of an American type bomber plane up above the clouds. That last sentence pretty much speaks to the disturbed nature of a lot of Japanese art after World War 2.* close to 3 stars

Godfrey Ho's "Ninja Commandments" (1987) *Who knew that honky moral issues like pre-marital sex were such problems for Ninjas, or that they liked to party with skanky groupies, and that pretty much all ninjas are not-so-secretly middle age white men.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst --------

*Deadly Prey: Ice T's "The Game"(?), a movie where a guy gets kidnapped by army dudes and hunted for sport only to fight back, this time with a hero who's a Patrick Swayze type bohunk Rambo.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hard Ticket To Hawaii: Skinemax classic about blonde bimbos trying to stop criminal smuggling in an exotic locale. Also, killer, "infectious," cancer-ridden, huge snake.* 2 1/2 stars

*Miami Connection: Lost & found gem of a movie with nearly as many awkwardly awesome moments as Tommy Wiseau's "The Room."* 3 stars

Red Letter agrees that Miami Connection is "The Best of the Worst."

---------------------------------

"Red Earth" aka "Warzard" (Capcom) *A wizard summons up a bunch of kaiju monsters, in scattered epic sites, that only a big lion-man and several other heroes can vanquish from the earth. Typical wizard being a total dickhead, to the rest of magic-impaired mankind, behavior.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Bushido Blade 2" (Playstation 1) *Bloodthirsty Japanese clans have kept up the honor of warring over territory for power for centuries up into modern times, in this game. It's a nice mixture of both old and new worlds, and the music and dialogue is well done, and even the setting and characters (though limited by the blocky polygon look of early 3D). It keeps with "realism" too with one good killing stroke, with a warrior's sword, doing the job. It even has thrills like bikini girls with machine guns.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service Vol. 4" (Dark Horse Manga) *Morbid and eccentric tales of a group of Buddhist college students with unique gifts of communicating with corpses littered in strange locations around Japan. They help fill the odd requests of these bodies to be put at peace usually in some morbid way or involving some morbid mystery. Instead of trash "reality" entertainment like Long Island Medium, this much better "talking with the deceased" fiction should be turned into tv entertainment for western audiences. It's so much more interesting and entertaining.* 3 stars

"Savage Reign" (SNK) *This is the Kris Kross of fighters. Kriss Kross being a pair of 12 year old rappers whose record company realized their talent was lacking so they came up with the bright idea to have the duo dress with their clothes backwards. The gimmicks in Savage Reign are plenty. There's a clown who fights with roller skates. A valley-girl swinging around a pink bowling ball. His name is Joker, and she looks like a cleaned up Harley Quinn, come to think of it now. A Vanilla Ice look-a-like sports a Captain America' Canadian tuxedo of denim and stars and stripes. The Ryu style hero, of the game, fights without fireballs but instead a silly boomerang. The big boss is a fancier "cock of the walk" Shao Kahn throwing his punches with fists covered in boxing gloves. Sickly serene backgrounds include a generic Disneyland theme park and an underground cow milking gang hideout that is almost as weird as something out of "Naked Lunch."* 2 stars

The Spoony Experiment: Clones of Bruce Lee *When Bruce Lee tragically died during the height of his career, movie producing jerks didn't let it stop them from abusing his legacy. Tons of Bruce Lee impersonators popped up and a sub-genre of exploitation movies was born. They were called Brucesploitation flicks. In this one, it's about as shameless as it gets with a plot about cloning Bruce Lee before his body has even grown cold and using the clones for nefarious purposes.* close to 2 stars for the sleazy, cheesy movie and 3 stars for Spoony's review

"Fight For Life" (The Last Official Atari Jaguar Game) --1996-- *Show a kid, today, an Atari 2600 game and they'll think you're giving them something like an ink blot test. Having witnessed an Atari 2600 game, back in the day, it felt like I was standing on the edge of the digital future. The Atari Jaguar promised that brave, new, digital future with their doomed Jaguar gaming machine. I remember the first time I saw Sega's Virtua Fighter in an arcade. I did get that "tomorrow feeling." I couldn't wait to take these blocky 3D characters and make them my sandbox toys tossing them around with their ragdoll physics. It was mind blowing. Atari's Fight For Life wanted to be like Virtua Fighter, only it comes off more like a 2600 ink blot test for the imagination, and really painful to the senses. Man, is it ugly and clunky. It's definitely not "epic," but I can compare it to something else that is "epic." The Faith No More "Epic" music video where the fish out of water is flopping its death throes. It's more like that fish than a jaguar.* between 1 and 1 1/2 stars

The Cinema Snob: Karate Girl *Rape revenge exploitation "thriller" circa 1970s about a mute girl from a Turkish village. The kind of movie that Tarantino would rip off elements from and be called a genius later. Also featuring an infamous over-the-top death scene that's become an internet meme.* close to 2 stars for the movie & close to 3 stars for the review

"The Blonde Fury" (1989) *Cynthia Rothrock is the greatest female action star. It had to be said, because it's true. This is a Hong Kong action flick about crazy counterfeiters and quirky investigators. The English dubbing is extra entertaining and the comedy is quite clever.* 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 5 *Finally, a bloody battle, at sea, to go along with the pirate base politics and prostitute abuse.* 3 stars

Hot Package: Pilot (Adult Swim) --2013-- *Spoof of insipid celebrity obsessed shows like E!NEWS and Entertainment Tonight, but with a weird EverythingIsTerrible style obscure internet clip twist. Featuring "hot phone sex" Pat from Access Hollywood and produced by Tim & Eric from Adult Swim.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Slap Happy Rhythm Busters" (Playstation One) *Filled with quirky characters who use supermoves similar to a Marvel Versus series game & graphics as brightly colored as 'Viewtiful Joe' 'Katamari Damacy' & 'Legend of Zelda Windwaker', Slap Happy will slap you silly with enjoyment.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Slaughter Sport" aka "Tongue of the Fatman" (Razorsoft) Sega Genesis 1991 *Another barbaric battle of death, in a palace pit, hosted by a Jabba the Hutt style freak boss who also looks like a shirtless Eric Cartman, in his underwear, with a hideous face and tongue on his fat rolls of a belly. Tech-abominations like a cybernetic chicken, fierce sex slave warrior chicks, gassy gargoyles, spider-women, bad boy white rappers, and other mutated freaks of the wasteland compete for the hunger and amusement of Mondu, the fatman. His pet sand-shark finishes off the losers.* running from close to 2 stars down to 1 star

"Godzilla, Destroy All Monsters: Melee" (x-Box) *This has almost everything a fan of kaiju destruction could want. Just about every Tokyo stomping monster is in it, and playable. Only thing missing is frightened citizens running about pointing at "Gojira." Plus, I think the voices over the airwaves should sound Asian. Points for the quirky bits like a UFO hovering over attacking and Mothra getting in on the action.* close to 3 stars

"Rakuga Kids" *Some brats battle their stuffed animals around their playrooms and neighborhood that look like they're out of a pop-up storybook. It's sort of Street Fighter 2 meets Toy Story 2. Animated similar to Rugrats and Adult Swim's Home Movies.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Dragoon Might" -Arcade- (Konami) --1995-- *The fancy presentation of this game reminds me of 2009's 3D spectacle, Avatar. It makes me wanna reach out and pick a low hanging piece of pretty fruit and bite into it. Yet, there's a pit. The artistry and poetry looks at times like it's coming from a Crouching Tiger, but hidden in the bushes, ready to pounce, is a shirtless guy in torn jeans and brandishing a butcher knife. It's just goodtime trash stealing your quarters.* 2 1/2 stars

"Kaiser Knucle" (Arcade) *This is the Vanilla Ice "Cool As Ice" of Street Fighter 2 rip offs. You can play as Fred Flinstone's daughter or "Barts" Yes with an S (teen biker Bart Simpson?) & Ryu w/ flowing mullet, or even "Boggy" who is a MC Hammer wannabe. "Don't hurt 'em!"* 2 stars

Nostalgia Critic: Rise of the Commercials *A look back on when silly advertising really RULED! "Don't put it in your mouth." That is unless it's been properly branded by corporate America and parent approved.* 3 stars

Double Dare: Super Sloppiest Moments *Kids, and their mostly whitebread families, get covered in green slime.* 2 1/2 stars

Jack & Triumph: Commercial *It starts off funny with making fun of Dennis Leary for stealing Bill Hicks' comedy act. Then it gets typical with the whole Alan Thicke showing up and we're supposed to accept that he's now "ironically funny" because he's a square former celebrity acting in an offensive way that we never saw on his old tv show. That's the same kind of lame shit that media is always trying to do in a hipster way with all these former celebrities from the 70s, 80s, or 90s. Robert Smigel can do so much better, see TV Funhouse for example.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja 1 *Lee Van Cleef makes a convincing wild west badass. Surrounded by 70s style slacker dude in a muscle van, mousey & young Demi Moore, hicksploitation villains, and obvious kung fu stuntman doing his action work -Lee struggles to make a convincing martial arts badass.* 2 stars with riffing between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without riffing

"Project Justice" --Sega Dreamcast-- (Capcom) *I believe it was the 70s, that era of great television, that first introduced the novelty of students teaming up with a teacher in the classic "Welcome Back, Kotter." The 80s went further, with this, having society's school aged misfits solving problems of gangs of bullies terrorizing the halls of school or jerks who wanted to close down the local youth center and even the retro cheese staple of ski slope jerks challenging our youthful heroes to a race for control of the ski slope club's mountain. This game is similar, in nature, and has the extra benefit of featuring quirky Japanese style characters and aesthetics.* close to 3 stars

"Last Bronx" (Sega Model 2 Arcade) *Consumer electronics have always been trendy with yuppies. When home entertainment centers became hot, everybody had to have one. Digital watches were on every wrist. A Sony walkman around every neck and in every pocket. Still, there was always a stigma about technology, whenever it was new or in development. At the turn of the 21st century, few would have imagined people lining up around the streets to get each new Apple computer product. Same with gaming, it was a kids novelty, and didn't have the online social media culture that it enjoyed after their was a broadband connection and a Sony Playstation 2 in most every living room across the globe. In the 90s testing stage for high end electronics and gaming, Japan was the tech giant. This game says "Last Bronx" but it's more like "Neo Tokyo." It had to have been pretty revolutionary for the time, and yet it looks very much like some thing most of us western yuppies would turn away at.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Robocop, the series: Officer Missing *"Winter is coming".... Land of the Dead... The Purge.... A Christmas Carol (Well, maybe not that one), Robocop did it first.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 Episode 8 *This show yips off into the sunset (cancelled, deservingly, I'm guessing) like a balloon animal dog from the sphincter of a sword swallower. It was riding a flaming pogo stick. The straw that broke the camel's back was heavy metal cookie monster or large man in diaper strip tease.* 2 stars

Robert Crumb: Despair *"You may not think it's funny, but I've got a morbid sense of humor."* close to 3 stars

"Power Instinct: Matrimelee" (Atlus) --Neo Geo-- *The creepy family members, from "Groove On Fight," are back. This time they're fighting it out, on a televised American Idol type stage, Jerry Springer style. The prize is a hand in marriage. Given its pedigree, and Japanese setting, it's weird as fuck, yet very surprisingly charming.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Kill Or Be Killed" (1980) *Our villain: an escaped Nazi seeking vague revenge by hosting a "Enter the Dragon" type death tournament. Our hero: a mullet-headed, shirtless, karate badass in a tight pair of bell-bottom jeans. He's out to save his girlfriend from the Nazi. Our wildcard: a Game of Thrones type scheming dwarf helping out our karate hero. Our story: pure grindhouse chop sockey cinema.* close to 3 stars

"Rabbit" (Sega Saturn) *Presentation of this game is nice. It reminds me of the new HD Rayman games' colorful eye candy and whimsy joined together with a clever Cartoon Network cartoon like Regular Show or Adventure Time. The fighters each have a beast or spirit animal. It reminds me of sports fanatics and their team mascots. If so many animals weren't endangered, sports fans would be worse than an old school Ruskie with a dancing bear. There would be a stadium full of Eagles fans each with their own personal bald eagle to show off. Dolphins fans would have a kids swimming pool, in the living room beneath the big screen, sporting a live dolphin who they'd feed anchovies off of their pizza to. Another thing about these fighting games, why are all the people in the background so unaffected by the brawls? They're always nicely eating a bowl of noodles in an outdoor cafe or riding a bicycle with a monkey or.....* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Waku Waku 7" (Sunsoft) -1996- *While watching lemmings hop around musically, on this game, I had an epiphany. Fellas we are never gonna get around to building those war robots out of our spare lawnmower and washing machine parts. Ladies, our obese house cats aren't gonna magically start talking and giving us humorous life advice to share on social media. Don't fret, we'll always have the Japanese to create our crazy dreams. That is unless a giant, radiated salamander, with a taste for human sushi, crawls up on the sands of some south Pacific beach.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Streets of Rage 3" (SEGA) *It's a typical beat 'em up story. The evil Mr. X is controlling the city with his band of street punks. Our heroes: Dr. Zan (the bald fu-manchu sporting head of a martial arts sensei badass on top of a cyborg body riding around on rocket skates), this ninja chick in a short minskirt, a blonde Ken Masters look-a-like kung fu street fighter, and a token 90s black kid who loves basketball so much he won't put down his b'ball. They have to battle through wave after wave of mercs and pick up turkey dinner power ups.* 2 1/2 stars

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst --------

Russian Terminator: *"that's what friends ARE! for" also an Anna Nicole look-a-like, a Kenny Rogers look-a-like, and a ninja.* 2 very awkward stars

Ninja Vengeance: *"Ninja" (a horrible one) John Tesh look-a-like on the run from the Klan in the backwoods of a hicksploitation town.* 1 1/2 stars

Never Too Young To Die: *Heart-throb John Stamos, sexy "Vanity" who's a Prince protege, and chick with a dick Gene Simmons is the rockstar who plays the over the top villain.* 2 stars

Red Letter Media ranks them best to worst as Russian T., Never Too Y., and Ninja V.*

---------------------------------

Freddy Krueger in "Mortal Kombat" (2011) *Freddy mocked the rising popularity of video games in "Freddy's Dead." Two decades later, he returns to the mockery. Released a couple years after the toothless remake, this tongueless appearance by Freddy is sorely missing Robert Englund's macabre wordplay.* 1 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Identity Crisis ----

*Jeff Conaway, and the sheriff from Friday the 13th: Part 6, give this episode a level of Tales from the Crypt "star power." The story is the 'Family Ties' zeitgeist of the its time period. The spirit of the 60s (hippies) versus the spirit of the 80s (yuppies).* close to 3 stars

*Teenage pound puppies. Emo pound puppies.* 1 1/2 stars for most of the episode 2 1/2 stars for the Freddy dreamhouse sequences

---------------------------

Forensic Files: Postal Mortem *Radioshack enthusiast who's a 'Hercules Bullseye Bomber' and master forger of Mormon historical documents.* 2 1/2 stars

Wizards and Warriors: Skies of Death *Doomsday cannon on the cliffs of doom.* 3 stars

Attack On Titan: Episode 2 *Giving a new meaning to "in your face." A term that I don't care for, but here it comes to represent humongous, naked, grinning humans stomping up in one's personal space to chow down on that person like a corndog. The emotions of the kids, and the dread of the situation for them, keeps everything from getting too out of hand as a spectacle.* 3 stars

The Cinema Snob: The Pierre Kirby Saga *A more-than-competent action badass from a handful of less-than-competent Hong Kong action exploitation "movies."* 3 stars for Snob's retrospect and close to 2 stars for the "movies"

Look Around You: Iron *Point point zero point, ring the bell and the experiment can begin within the twinkling of an eye that is hidden behind a metal face shackle.* 2 1/2 stars

VH1 Classics --- Pop Up Video --- (The Big 80's) -------

a-ha - "Take On Me": Few Americans stuck around to notice that this internationally popular Swedish band lasted long after their early 1980s one hit wonder and only broke up after the 1994 Winter Olypics in which they were featured European band.* 3 plus stars for the pop ups and 3 classic MTV stars for the original video

Pat Benatar - Love is a Battlefield": 30 year old Pat portrayed a 16 year old runaway "too controversial for MTV prostitute" in this video.* 3 plus stars with pop ups and close to 3 stars MTV classic without

John Cougar - "Jack & Diane": One guy lived in a coma for 37 years. He wasn't doing a lot of handclapping and air drumming like Johnny Cougar was doing in this video.* 3 stars with pop ups between 2 1/2 and 3 stars without

Lionel Richie - "Hello": Lionel loves for all of his video vixens to have the same hairstyle as he does.* 3 stars with pop ups 2 1/2 stars, cheesy stars, without pop ups

Van Halen - "Hot For Teacher": This unruly music video caused the child stars to eventually become unruly like the real life Van Halen.* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 sleazy stars without pop ups

--------------------------

Viper: Mind Games *A sleeper saboteur, a vixen viper, and a truckload of disease.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Twisted Tales #10 ----------------- (Bruce Jones, Bernie Wrightson, Bill Wray, Rick Geary)

Beer: A story of ribbing greenhorns up where the tree-line ends and the green turns to white snowy mountains, and there be yeti's who drive a hard bargain and a sled.* 3 stars

One For The Money: A cat-burglar gets caught and commits murder. He assumes a bear-suit disguise and flees to the woods where he gets gunned down by hunters.* 2 1/2 stars

Hatchet Job: Scientists go back and time and bumble trying to solve the Lizzie Borden murders. ha.* 2 1/2 stars

Two For The Show: A retelling of the earlier cat-burglar tale. This time the party guest kills the intruder, then takes the jewels for himself. Instead of getting shot by a pair of hunters, he gets mauled by a mother grizzly bear. The irony.* close to 3 stars

A haggard man buys a bed from a used store for his sick daughter to rest on her deathbed as she gets out of the hospital. That night, he's visited by the ghost of a girl haunting the bed that died in it, years earlier, in a torn down orphanage fire.* 3 stars, I guess...

Poison in the Pantry: A miserable and mistreated wife and stepmother puts rat poison in the family's soup. She dreams of even better days, from behind bars.* 3 stars

-------------------------------

Hill Street Blues: Life. Death. Eternity... *Etcetera.* 3 stars

X Files: Tooms *Skinner, the Smoking Man, and one of the best "monster" villains ever on the show.* 3 stars

Twitch City: I'm Fat and I'm Proud *Every episode of every tv show ever on tape. And almost everything else a slacker could ever want, for all seasons, except love? And the ability to exit comfortably into society.* 3 stars

Real Pulp Comics #1 *Perverse and humorous tales of skid row lowlifestyle in the babyboom generation's peak.* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Neurostim *Football, Fast-Food, Fantasy. counter-Fucking-revolutionary.* 3 stars

Farscape: Nerve *Infiltrating a Peacekeeper base, and meeting the Peacekeeper's Darth Vader (Scorpius).* 3 stars

Look Around You: Brain *"Pretty smart for something that looks like a common garden cauliflower."* close 3 stars

Forensic Files: Micro Clues *Tiny communities of freshwater creatures ring out truth and justice from the lungs of a drowned boy of a Swiss village.* 2 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 10 *Call the doctor, call the nurse, these guys (King and Lars) are goofy and getting worse.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---Animal Planet--- I Was Bitten: The Walker County Incident *"Animal Planet, surprisingly human." Unsurprisingly stupid. Far more entertaining than the usual (Finding Bigfoot) cryptozoology reality tv whore idiots. Points for the twist ending prank gotcha moment.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

======= Trash TV ---- Seasons Finale ------ Marathon ===================

Forensic Files: Something's Fishy *The cyanide tainted Excederin pain reliever panic of the early 90s.* 2 1/2 stars

Forensic Files: Sealed With A Kiss *Psycho teacher stalks herself and then frames a rival faculty member.* close to 3 stars

Forensic Files: Deadly Parasites *Shit leaked into Lake Michigan contaminates the Milwaukee water supply and kills over a hundred people.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --- Murder House: Afterbirth *The "Murder House" is back on the market at a reduced prices. Also, ghosts can slit other ghosts' throats and they bleed ghost blood. Who knew? They even like to celebrate the season of giving (Christmas) with all the trimmings of the living.* either 1 star or 3 stars for a balls out finale

American Horror Story --- Asylum: Madness Ends *Lana Winters (the reporter from AHS: Asylum) is no Edison Carter (the reporter from Max Headroom). And so concludes this chapter of American Melodrama. Horror's end is supposed to be wrapped up in neat little bows of tenderness... EH? No? Ok.* 2 1/2 stars, I guess

American Horror Story --- Coven: Go To Hell *"I made you die those little deaths." Hell is a fried chicken shack. Ghosts need passports for travel. Who knew? Paula Deen isn't really sorry. She's just sorry that she was caught.* close to 3 stars

American Horror Story --- Coven: The Seven Wonders

*Welcome to the World Series of witchcraft. Let the Harry Potter games begin.

I especially got a chuckle out of the girls just wanna have fun teleportation game of tag that happened right after the hippie witch got stuck in her own personal "8th grade biology dissection of a frog" hell.

It would seem like black humor, but I think it's not meant to be. It's just poor writing.

Take for instance how the redheaded hag/nag says that the new supreme witch can't have a "Whitewater scandal" to be a blemish on her new leadership.

So, she demands to be burned alive in the most soap opera dramatic and laughable way possible to the Stevie Nicks music that's playing throughout the show (the show even begins like a Stevie Nicks music video. *rolls eyes*).

Since the new Coven is going public (kind of like a corporation joining the New York Stock exchange and opening all their books up, or whatever), one would think that committing an act of murder (the witch burning) might somehow leak out and be frowned upon eventually leading to scandal.  

Anyway, that aside, "The Axe Man" and "Fiona" carry the show with their charisma and moody moments together, as usual.

We get another feel good ending, for some reason, because that's horror, according to the producers of this show and the Fox musical GLEE.

Why are these guys pretending to do horror?

I did appreciate Fiona's return from the dead, before dying again (Ha), reminding me of Interview With A Vampire's scene where Tom Cruise crawls out of the swamp after being gatorbait left for dead by his gloomy boyfriend and porcelain doll daughter.

Also, in closing, Fiona's version of hell was quite fitting and moody compared to the pretentious and childish versions of hell for all the other characters.

For example; the annoying good teenager chick's hell beat out the annoying bad teenager chick's hell for level of awfulness.

And that was an accomplishment.

The bad chick's hell was being stuck on a Hollywood musical that she didn't like. *Snot*

The good chick's hell was having her James Dean wannabe boyfriend breaking up with her every day. *Vomit*

I guess hell is happening here on earth for every emo 16 year old all the time.

I have already wasted too many words on most of this pile stinky fish guts.*

running from around 1 1/2 stars a lot of the time up to 2 1/2 stars at different moments

==========================================================================

"Sacred Cow Halloween Special" circa 1993 (All Hallow's Eve? Why not? It's June) *Early 1990s public access tv special featuring a lot of low-fi indie music videos from bands who don't give a shit and live call in guests to the hosts and Bill Hicks in hell. Plus the legend, Bill Hicks, pulls out the home video footage of where he stood in the neighboring cow pasture, and ranted about the government, while Janet Reno rolled tanks with flamethrowers through the walls of a crazy cult so that they could charbroil children. Yep, have a happy trick r' Summer treat and roast in the heat.* more than 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Belief" =================================

*Early 90s Nickelodeon took time to educate kids, where modern Nick tries to sell them tweeny bopper pop star insipid kid sitcoms.

Stories here include:

The City of the Dead that lies beneath Paris.

History lesson about how the Greeks burned half the Roman, enemy, fleet using solar energized shields.

Sadly poetic tale of The Elephant Man and his time in a London hospital.

Important message about conservation and protecting endangered animals. "Don't cut down the rainforest." Man, I have fond memories of "earth friendly" science lessons during my childhood school years. A really hopeful, positive time.

We visit the Cabaret Mechanical Theater featuring robotic dolls & toys (creepy and cool).

Some funny laws, around the world, are discussed like the illegal carrying of ice cream cones in your pocket in Kentucky and so on.

Cursed opera causes God to smite anyone the opera singer looks at while singing, "Oh, God smash him!"

We meet a 17 year old autistic genius artist who can draw any London monument or building. Autism was still misunderstood, greatly, during this time.

A visit to an old magician's backyard where he displays to us a new, old trick.

Finally, it's a history lesson about Westerners reluctance at first and then being sold on the idea and practice of embalming the corpses of their loved ones for funeral display.

Great stuff.

-Classic commercials include:

Scram Ball, "the hot new game."

Bubble tape, the bubble gum that's hard for grandma to eat.

Murray mountain bikes are so rugged that they can help a 10 year old outrun his 16 year old bro's pickup truck on rocky terrain.

A Fresh Prince of Bel'Air kid is tired of being told "no" so he eats Raisin Bran for some reason....

A gang of 90s tv kids have a video cam corder scavenger hunt thanks to McDonalds.*

close to 3 stars

=======================================================

Police Squad: A Substantial Gift (WLS7-Chicago) 3 - 4 - 1982 =============

*First we get a commercial for a home electronics and appliance store. Man, the 70s and early 80s had such an ugly color decor thing going on. Putrid greens, tans, yellows, and dingy greys going on everything from fridges to stoves to dishwashers to carpet to vaccuumcleaners. Some nice pics of walls of the very popular, at the time, ghetto blaster boom boxes (nice).

 "Blast From The Past," Saturday at 6:30 featuring a dapper dude brushing his wavy hair and a go go chick hula hooping. The 80s were really nostalgic for the 50s.

And, now with a flashing red siren we're told we'll be watching Police Squad "In Color."  The show starts out with a woman who's being stuck for cash by a crooked orthodonist. Ha. She kills her loan clerk boyfriend and frames a poor sap trying to get the loan in a double homicide.

A hazy looking Loren cosmetics commercial

followed by a movie trailer for the insipid Oscar bait movie "On Golden Pond."

Leslie Nielsen shows up to the crime, knocking over trash cans with his cop car. Funny sight gag of the meat wagon boys taking out an extra, extra long body on an extra, extra long stretcher. They find a way to work in the old type "Who's on first!?" joke to her formal statement of the crime.

The forensic lab guy is a wacko.

A visit to the victim's wife, and Nielsen rambles on about himself (ha) during her grief.

The killer dame shows up to give her official statement looking like an obvious fink in a new fur coat and feathered boa.

We get a funny scene where one cop's so tall his head is off camera.

"Crisp and clean" "No Caffeine" "Never had it, never will." "Feelin' up with 7 'Up."

A pretty model girl walks around fields of amber grains waving while sporting a "Cover Girl Face."

 Benson & Open All Night are part of the ABC Friday Night line up.

Lieutenant Nielsen re-enacts the crime by actually shoothing his fellow officers, leaving a pile of bodies while he ponders the crime. Ha.

Cops and Priests (What do you know about life after death? *hands over a 20$*) seek confidential information from a shoe shine man.

Medieval orthodontist gear is highlighted via willingly happy kids wearing headgear. Leslie does some dental exam physical comedy.

Some oblivious cops sight gags in an elevator. Clever stuff.

Showdown with the dirty dame featuring bad wigs and a bullet filled Mexican standoff from a couple feet away from each other behind trash cans and a sidewalk bus bench. Bullhorn "Give it up!" warning from just as close a length.

New Aim mint is the talk of the whiteboy locker room..

Sexy as heck, and wet in a pool, Lynda Carter likes her lips "wet." Mmmmmm

Stay Tuned for Bossom Budies and "Night of 100 Stars"

Old school, syndicated television. Can't beat it.*

3 stars

=========================================================================

MTV's Ridiculousness with special guest Dr. Drew Pinsky *Normally this poor kid's America's Funniest Home Videos for skateboard wiggers, hosted by a skateboard wigger & his black friend & his airheaded blonde friend, would get zero stars for its unfunny commentary on outdated extreme sports accident videos and mishap/ prank videos.... but since quack pop-psychiatry tv celebrity "doctor" Drew is on here and giving insight into the social problems many of these fools, in these foolish videos, do happen to supposedly have... Well, it's more absurd and tolerable.* close to 2 stars

"Five Fingers Of Death" *It's the formula tale of bullies terrorizing a town, and the heroes finally standing up to them. It could be a western, an 80s surfing/ski resort movie, but here it's a Shaw brothers kung fu flick. Many hipsters will recognize the Kill Bill music that Tarantino stole from this film.* 3 stars

Tom Green's Subway Monkey Hour --2002-- *Tom Green will probably always be infamous for the terrible "Freddy Got Fingered," and he deserves it. This hour long MTV special featuring Tom being the weirdest Westerner possibly ever in Japan is way better than that awful Hollywood mistake of a "movie." In fact, it's a dozen times more interesting than the Jackass movies that borrow the skit after skit format of this special. Add an extra thirty minutes of footage from this trip to Japan, which I'm sure they had, and it would have been a better choice to be released in movie theaters instead of "Freddy Got Fingered."* close to 3 stars

Tales From The Crypt: Lover Come Hack To Me *Car trouble on a desolate road on the honeymoon night. The couple seeks shelter in an old-dark-house. There's a cozy fireplace with a big, medieval axe hanging above it. A storm is raging outside. The bride is a strange, little virgin. The groom is a sleazy bohunk acting surprised to have found a 45 magnum in his glove box. She wonders if he married her for the money (no surprise, he did). Bloody memories haunt the place same as their "romance." It's the perfect setting for mur-der (*Thunder & Lightning!*)...* 3 stars

Six Feet Under: The Will *Diving board death. Pyramid scheme. Backstreet Boy look-a-like douchey boyfriend. Meeting of gay firemen. Breaking up with Ed Begley Jr. Blackmail from beyond the grave. Selling a slightly used coffin at a discount rate. Burning someone's name into your flesh. Buyout offer. Emotional breakdown on the bus that killed the father. Toe suck.* close to 3 stars

100 Bullets: The Counterfifth Detective (Vertigo Comics) *Piano bar without a piano player. A private dick wrapped up like the Invisible Man. Stolen art with codes from one's past. A damaging echo.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Justified: Season 1 Episode 5 *The cowboy's pa is an outlaw.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Resurrector *Going away presents for a ghost and a sacrifice to the devil.* close to 3 stars

Kung Fu: Nine Lives *"Find a cat or be a tramp all your life." "Dark and vain are the ways of lust, the poet said." or something of that nature...* 3 stars

"Master of the Flying Guillotine" *A bloody martial arts tournament, where every fighter has a unique gimmick or style, is interrupted by a badass villain using his flying guillotine to pull the heads off of every one armed boxer that he finds until he gets his revenge. He finds out that he's not as badass as the real one armed boxer. This flick had to have had a huge influence on both Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat.* 3 stars

Doctor Who: The Satan Pit *A claustrophobic, high stakes sci fi story similar to The Thing, Leviathan, and Alien.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Horror Express" (Christopher Lee & Peter Cushing) *It's about time, some cryptozoology monster goodness. Finding Bigfoot type nonsense has almost killed the fun in this fantasy genre. It helps that this movie is Hammer horror style and has Lovecraftian-dread overtones.* 3 stars

Gerhard's America: Gerhard at NASCAR *Gerhard finds he has a lot in common with effeminate racer Michael Waltrip.* close to 2 1/2 stars

------ TV Carnage:

*A Lot Of Men Collect Barbie Dolls: "It's a professional hobby, now." Nothing weird, at all here.* 2 stars

*A Woman's Guide To Guns and Hallucinating: Learn about your weapon, instead of fantasizing about it.* close to 2 stars

*Aids = Hump Day Poison!: The 80s were all about high risk behavior.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Child Actor Failures: Are you being rigid enough or in some cases too rigid with your little gold-mine?* close to 3 stars

*Damn Shame: It's a shame that white boy thugs get gunned down every day. Call America's Most Wanted or Yo! MTV Raps with any info on the possible killer.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Big Trouble In Little China

*Joe Bob pokes fun at the culture of addiction.

We learn about Carter Wong, the martial arts expert who stars in the movie. Amazing credits to his kung fu game.

Preview for TNT's new classic "The Golden Child" starring Eddie Murphy

quirky KIA suv car commercial from 1998 featuring cliche gator hunting / swamp loving Cajuns who'd be the type in reality shows more than a decade later. It's funny here, sort of, but tiresome if you live in this era of bad reality tv "real folk" like this.

preview for Jacki Chan's "Rumble in the Bronx" and its American cable tv debut on TNT

a yuppy mom tries to stuff a pizza into her toaster, but doesn't have to anymore because some processed junk food company invented toaster pizza snacks. "White lady/mom problems"

Kim Cattral is gorgeous, in this movie, and not an old whore who'd make you swear off women like she would after her Sex in the City days

SNL's Weekend Update anchor Kevin Nealon sells out for a collect call "so 90s it hurts" advertisement. One good thing about cell phones is that these ads disappeared

Joe Bob's Drive In Totals for this flick: 57 dead bodies... One kidnapping... Four motor vehicle chases... One wheelchair chase... One White-Slavery Ring... Yellow-Slavery Ring... One Machine Gun Massacre... One Machete Battle... Multiple Blue Finger-Flame... One Zombie-fied Levitating 2,000-Year-Old Man With Really Bad Fingernails... Exploding Building...Exploding Temple... Knife To The Forehead... One Ocean of Chained Skeletons... One Palace Of Golden Buddhas... Poison Gas... Nine Kung Fu Scenes...

Racquelle Welch in One Million BC, another drive in classic, next week on Monstervision

Some Hollywood stunt-men cowboys beat the shit out of each other for a Pontiac "Montana" minivan. Sure, why not?

Soulful 70s singer-songwriter Aflac family insurance ad, family station wagon Tru Value helpful employee kidnapping ad, Home Depot helpful employees..., some bruthas turn a stranger's need for directions into a roadtrip down the road for some McDonalds.... 90s commercials tried to be really feel good, but come off very insipid

"Tired of Phony Psychics?" Generic graphics of lightning strikes and huge yellow background typed letters plus a doe eyed weirdo lady claiming to have certified psychics for her phone network.... "Guaranteed Authentic by the U.S. Govt." HAAAA.... wow! what a claim!

Joe Bob pines about how there aren't perfect women in the world, and how guys give up women over nail color, comparing it to the plot of the movie being about the search for a perfect, green eyed Chinese chick

Then, Joe Bob skewers the politically correct critics, of this movie, who said that Big Trouble re-enforced Asian stereotypes.

Kitschy style Miller Lite commercial where four old ladies try to contact the spirit of one lady's dead husband. He's a slab, of course, and comes back to life, possessing the body of one of her friends, raiding the fridge for beer and scratching his (her) ass. She's overjoyed.

Kellog's Breakfast Mates... A commercial that's basically saying, "Let corporate America continue to "raise" your children." It's convenient.

Joe Bob teaches us about Kurt Russell's ties to Elvis and Disney and John Carpenter

TNT updates its Monstervision website "once a week." Current people and websites, of the internet(s), update every second of the day. Waiting a week for something new is almost as painful as the information (nonsense) overload of right now.

Dennis Miller is in line at a hipster coffe shop complaining about the price of "a cup of Joe" and the price of collect calls. If he sounds like a cranky and out of touch old man here, wait til a decade later where he's rambling incoherently to his best pal Mr.Bill O'Reilly on Fox News.

Two 90s alterna-chicks having a conversation: "One day we'll meet, marry, and have cyber sex with the man of our dreams online." Robert Englud cameo in Dee Snider's Strangeland

Joe Bob points out that there's a "not so incognito" Penthouse Pet in this flick

TNT Mail Girl Reno gets asked to how much it would take to "get nekkid" by Joe Bob, and then he reads an angry letter from an upset liberal who loves freedom so much that he wants to ban free speech that he doesn't like by calling it "hatred." Ha. Joe Bob made a joke about "killing liberals" or something and this guy got his feelings hurt. Boo hoo.

Joe Bob rips TNT a new asshole for taking an awful commercial break, featuring about 14 insipid 90s "feel good" commercials, during the EPIC kung fu finale. Being on TNT, and not too late in the night unlike TNT's 100% Weird, Monstervision suffered some really lame commercials. USA UP All Night usually had more lame B movies instead of good B movies, yet they featured a lot more entertaining and sleazy commercials compared to Monstervision Other, late night basic cable and UHF B movies had better commercials than TNT as well. Fucking TNT. So schmaltzy and sickening. You watch a weird, late night movie, you want weird late night commercials, and you want them not to interrupt the best part of the movie. You don't want a great kung fu scene stopped to have five minutes of sepia toned artsy cinematography of elderly couples slow dancing in the shadow of the Brooklyn bridge while romantic piano music plays and there's a warm feeling about life insurance or some crap.

Roll Credits.*

3 stars for Big Trouble (For fun and memorable characters, it's to the 80s what A New Hope was to the 70s) 3 stars for Joe Bob and 1 star for TNT's bullstuff

---------------------------------------------------------------------

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Caught In The Web, Staying Safe in Cyberspace: Surfin' with a cyber sleuth and stopping smut and sickos both online and in the real world. If any of this is actually real.* close to 3 stars

*Check It Out _ Acne Video: "Hip" teen talk show infomercial about bogus zits.* 2 1/2 stars

*Chef Keith _ Fake Chef Pranks Morning TV Shows: You can make one of those creepy smiling talking head news morning show hosts believe that "The average person eats around a pound and a half of feces a year." HA! Most of the feces comes from morning talks shows.* 3 stars

*Christian Rock Video Showdown: We're all a wiener slash loser with these bands that are a even more soft rock cross between Journey, Foreigner, Kenny Loggins, and a hairy butt.* close to 3 stars

*John and Johnny and Earrings: Homeshopping host is giddy about seashell earrings.* close to 2 stars

--------------------------------

Fargo: The Six Ungraspables *There are no saints in the animal kingdom, only breakfast... lunch.. and dinner.* 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Burlington, Vermont *Home of laidback liberals and Lochness lizards.* 2 1/2 stars

Vanity Fair, Confidential: Mad About the Boys *Lou Pearlman loved to hear singing from voices that hadn't yet gone through puberty. He also loved hot air balloons and ponzi schemes. No surprise that the super-rich sponsor of a creepy cult of child entertainers was not-so-secretly a pig-man spawn of Satan himself.* 2 1/2 stars

X Files: Born Again *Mustache'd cop working Chinatown. He gets killed by some shady colleagues. Years later, he returns as a very gloomy little-girl with special powers and vengeance on her(his) mind.* close to 3 stars

The Prisoner: Checkmate *On a wing and a prayer and unfortunately an air of authority.* 3 stars

----- TV Carnage:

*Dr. Drew and MTV Got Cold Feet: Could be worse. Could be dead like Corey Haim and his girlfriend. Killed by Brigette Nielsen, Stallone and Flava Flav's ex.* close to 2 stars

*TV Carnage: Dixie Carter Death Trip: Designing women to be strangely obnoxious.* 2 stars

*Even His Scream Is Bad Acting: Bohunk (Dumb goodlooking American guy. Not the dictionary definition which insults someone from Europe.) slasher victim.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Give Head Responsibly: Consult your doctor before giving or receiving.* 2 1/2 stars

*God Gives A Second Chance To Anyone. It's In His Book: Especially to those with a Pat Boone singing style and a new book coming out about second chances.* close to 2 1/2 stars

-----------------------------------------

Hannibal: Sorbet *Hannibal has a stalker/fan/wannabe BFF who compares him to Michael Jackson. Meanwhile, Hannibal keeps recipes of people on their business cards.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Look Around You: Music (season 2) *The show's format has completely changed to an in studio info / variety presentation, and while it's no longer the mock science docu-series that it started out as, it's still silly and clever. Plus, it's longer at a half hour.* 2 1/2 stars

Game of Thrones: Season 3 Episode 9 *This show is good and shockingly heavy, as usual, but I watch it in a way that would more than frustrate diehard fans. I'm seasons behind where everyone else is, and I have no concern as to when I see the next chapter.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Executioners from Shaolin *At the heart of this movie is a dysfunctional kung fu family. On the wedding night, the groom can't get the bride's legs open because her crane style is too strong. Mother teaches son crane style kung fu and they playfully use it even when she's trying to wash the family's clothes. Dad can't even sit down to a good meal, because son wants to test dad's tiger style kung fu.* 3 stars

[piracytheorist]

I wanted to watch a silly funny movie, so I chose the Hunger Games spoof called “The Starving Games”. And well, it was one hour and twenty minutes pretty okay spent. I mean I had some laugh but whatever, I cannot believe that it’s actually got a really nice soundtrack lol. The beginning is pretty mild and it’s like a well-done Katniss cosplayer trekking through the woods with a music that it’s actually similar to the soundtrack of the original film.

Actually, scratch that. Besides her age, Maiara Walsh looks more like the Katniss I had imagined... Smaller, more petite and. With. A. Decent. BRAID.

I mean, look at this thing. I know it’s probs fake but...

You call this a braid about to become a symbol? From the book, I had imagined a Lara Croft-like long and sleek braid that potentially reaches her waist, not one that barely stays on the front of the shoulder without slipping back and with half the hair staying out of it.

[crowdvscritic]

round up // JULY 20

New music is saving 2020! This is one of my most music-and-musical-heavy Round Ups yet, not even counting the Beverly Hills Cop theme I’ve been whistling and dancing to around my apartment this week. (Don’t judge—you’ll do it to if you watch any of those movies.) And speaking of movies, I’ve got three new movies from 2020 to recommend! When theatres reopen I might go every week even if there’s nothing I’m excited to see, but I’m thankful for VOD movies to tide me over in the meantime.

July Crowd-Pleasers

This Twitter Thread

I’ve laughed out loud so many times I don’t care if this thread is made up. An anonymous Frenchman is documenting the “adventures” of a British family with a vacation home next door and no clue what Brexit actually means. This journey is a sardonic roller coaster, but I appreciate this tweeter isn’t devoid of empathy.

The Lincoln Lawyer (2011)

An insanely satisfying legal thriller that will have you shouting at your TV. Matthew McConaughey is a hot shot lawyer who doesn’t care if his clients are guilty, but he starts to reconsider that position with his newest (Ryan Philippe). What seems like a cut-and-dry defense of a man wrongfully accused escalates into so much more. I’ll stay scant on the details so the twists can surprise you as much as they did me. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 8/10

Summer Jams

2020 has gotten, um, a bad reputation, but I’d like to give it a shout-out for one of the best years of summer pop music in a long time. The last time I remember jamming to this many songs on the radio was 2013, the summer of “Mirrors,” “Get Lucky,” “Roar,” and “I Love It.” Thanks to Harry Styles, Lady Gaga, the Jonas Brothers, and Doja Cat, I keep flipping through radio stations looking for the next new song that will make me bop. Enjoy a round up of my favorite summer songs of 2020 so far on Spotify above.

Focus (2015)

As noted last month, I love when a heist movie can pull a fast one on me. Focus may not be a creative height of either Will Smith’s or Margot Robbie’s careers, but it’s a romantic and funny story of two con artists with just enough plot twists to keep me guessing. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 7/10

Love Crazy (1941)

William Powell and Myrna Loy appeared in 14 movies together, and their chemistry in this zany romantic comedy shows us why. The premise starts with their married characters planning an eccentric anniversary celebration, but somehow it escalates to a legal declaration of his insanity. (Unlike My Man Godfrey, Powell is the comic instead of the straight man this time.) While how we talk about mental health has changed much in the last 80 years, this comedy is so screwball it can’t be taken seriously as commentary. Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 7.5/10

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)

Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell star in a musical light on songs but huge on charm, laughs, and diamonds. In a perfect world, we would have gotten more musicals directed by Howard Hawks, but if we could only have one, this is proof we’re not living in the darkest timeline. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8.5/10

Double Feature — Very Silly Spoofs: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) + The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

I’m very late to both of the parties for Monty Python (Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 8.5/10) and The Naked Gun (Crowd: 9.5/10 // Critic: 8/10), so all I need to say about these absurd comedies is the hype didn’t ruin them for me.

Fast & Furious (2009)

In a strange turn of events, I finally succumbed to watching all Fast and Furious flicks. (Blame it on quarantine.) While my favorite remains the spin-off Hobbs & Shaw (maybe because it’s so unlike a normal movie in this franchise, sorry), the fourth movie is another highlight. It features one of the best character team-ups before the stunts become hilariously unrealistic and acknowledges some of the moral complexities of the plot, which is surprisingly uncharacteristic for a movie series about, um, criminals. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 7/10

Double Feature — Action Crime Movies Based on True Stories in the ‘70s: Donnie Brasco (1997) + The Bank Job (2008)

In, Donnie Brasco (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8/10), Johnny Depp is an FBI agent undercover in the Mob, keeping an eye on Al Pacino. In The Bank Job (Crowd: 8.5 // Critic: 7.5/10), Jason Statham is caught up in an MI6 plot to save political face by breaking into a London bank. Both are tense, twisty, and somehow true.

Jim Gaffigan: Cinco (2017)

While he’s best known for jokes about food, I’ll always appreciate how his self-deprecating jokes are never really just about his appearance or his many children, though he’s funny enough he could get away with that.

Covers by Switchfoot (2020)

Harry Styles! Vampire Weekend! My music tastes past and present collide in this album of bops Switchfoot covered this year.

Beverly Hills Cop III (1994)

This is really just a plug to watch all three Beverly Hills Cop movies for Eddie Murphy at his funniest, Judge Reinhold at his most underrated, and a score so catchy you’ll be dancing to it for days. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 7/10

July Critic Picks

Hamilton (2020)

Who knew? Listening to the Hamilton soundtrack is not the same as watching it in the room where it happens. I reviewed the filmed production with the original cast for ZekeFilm, which was a treat since my May theatre tickets were cancelled. At least we’re not dealing with formal duels in 2020! Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 10/10

Double Feature — Journalism Films Based on True Stories in the ‘70s: All the President’s Men (1976) + Zodiac (2007)

Maybe it’s just because I have a degree in Journalism, but I appreciate a story about a good story. In All the President’s Men (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 10/10), Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman are digging into the Watergate scandal at The Washington Post even when no one else thinks there’s anything to investigate. On the opposite coast in Zodiac (Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 9/10), Jake Gyllenhaal and Robert Downey Jr. are hunting the Zodiac Killer at the San Francisco Chronicle with the help of police officer Mark Ruffalo. This double feature focuses on reporters so committed to their work it comes at personal cost, but it highlights the need for people who are that committed to the truth to make our society function.

Greyhound (2020)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a studio in possession of a good World War II script must be in want of Tom Hanks, and we can always feel the warmest gratitude for any means of uniting them. I reviewed the film Hanks wrote himself for ZekeFilm. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 9/10

Dark Waters (2019)

Mark Ruffalo plays a real-life lawyer who helped investigate DuPont and change legislation on chemicals. A different kind of legal thriller than The Lincoln Lawyer, but yet another movie confirming Mark Ruffalo is a treasure. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 9/10

These Pieces on How We Interact With Media

I’m a believer in good journalism (see above), so I appreciate when writers do some self-examination on their own craft. I’ve been on an Instagram break the last few months because it’s been contributing to an anxiety spiral re: world events. It’s easy to talk in hyperbole, to complain, and to dehumanize others on the Internet, and I know I’m guilty of all three, so kudos to these writers for speaking on them.

“The Power of Media and Misinformation in the Age of Coronavirus,” DarlingMagazine.org (April 20)

“My Big Old Rant,” SeanDietrich.com (July 10)

“Kanye West and the Media Are Once Again Playing a Dangerous Game,” Vulture.com (July 13)

Brightest Blue by Ellie Goulding (2020)

You might know Ellie for her electro-pop hits, but I’ve always preferred her ballads that let her unique vocals shine. Brightest Blue is another collection of both styles, and it’s another strong outing from one of my favorite singers.

West Side Story by Richard Barrios (2020)

The making of West Side Story is a classic collision between art and commerce. This new Turner Classic Movies book details the many conflicts between the creative team, cast, and financiers to make one of the most beloved musicals and most Oscar-winning films in history, and you might be surprised it made it to the screen at all after reading it.

The Vast of Night (2020)

The Twilight Zone-esque movie is all about some weird happenings over the airwaves in a small town. Two high school students, one a nighttime radio host and the other a phone operator, team up to investigate a mysterious noise they’re hearing. The filmmaking is unconventional but gripping, and the story has major Stranger Things vibes, which is only helped by the fact that one of the stars looks a lot like Sadie Sink. (FYI, her name is actually Sierra McCormick.) Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8.5/10

folklore by Taylor Swift (2020)

It’s tricky to put into words what new music from Taylor Swift means to me because her words have been part of my life for over a decade and I admire what she shares of her creative process so much. Her unexpected eighth album is nothing like Lover—instead it’s a sonic and poetic continuation of songs and themes from Fearless and RED, her two most sock-me-in-the-gut-and-how-did-you-get-a-hold-of-my-journal collections. Just 11 months ago she released an album I said was her best yet, but I’m saying it again and even faster than last time.

Bonus: Enjoy this piece about the inspiration for her song “Last Great American Dynasty” from St. Louis Magazine.

Westworld (1973)

Before Jurassic Park, Michael Chrichton wrote and directed another sci-fi adventure set at a theme park with a Hunger Games flair. Here we go to a Western-themed resort where almost-human robots serve patrons’ every whim—that is, until they start rewriting their programming.  At least we aren’t dealing with homicidal robot cowboys in 2020! Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 9/10

Also in July…

I wrote a tribute to Olivia de Havilland after her passing at 104. She’s best known as Melanie in Gone With the Wind, but I’ll argue that’s not the best showcase of her talent.

The Best Picture Project continues with Clark Gable! He starred in 1934’s It Happened One Night and 1935’s Mutiny on the Bounty, but I’m only recommending one of them for your viewing pleasure. You can scroll a little further back or read the reviews here:

It Happened One Night – Crowd // Critic

Mutiny on the Bounty – Crowd // Critic

On SO IT’S A SHOW?, our pop culture references spanned 250 years with 1976’s Rocky and the 1726 novel Gulliver’s Travels. We found a crazy number of connections between Gilmore Girls actor Milo Ventimiglia and Sylvester Stallone, and we figured out what the hey the word “brobdingnagian” means. 

You can keep up with everything I’m watching in real time on Letterboxd, where I’ve rounded up my favorite journalism films, including All the President’s Men, It Happened One Night, and Zodiac.

Images: Switchfoot, Media, Ellie Goulding, West Side Story. all others IMDb.com.

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: THE DISASTER ARTIST

I did naaaaaaaaught get a chance to see this movie until this past weekend but omg when I did: I don’t think my body has hurt so much from laughing in a long time. My ribs kind of still hurt. This movie is hilarious and wonderful and everyone should see it. James Franco has never been better and I think Dave Franco deserves some sort of award for keeping a straight face during any of this hilarity. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.

I previously reviewed the wigs in the teaser trailer for this film months ago, and said that they didn’t wurq but that ridiculous wigs were almost necessary in a spoof of a bad movie. I basically stand by that assessment, with a few caveats.

Let’s start with James Franco’s lustrous locks. He’s basically in a Tom Hiddleston as Loki wig - except much higher quality. This is actually a pretty good wig! Through the movie it withstands wind machines, excessive hair spray, hair dying, and some truly upsetting sex scenes. 

It’s also pretty spot-on Tommy Wiseau hair, which is the point. And compared to the other wigs in the movie, it is vastly superior. Hey, when you’re directing and starring in a movie, why not give yourself the best wig? I WOULD.

Dave Franco’s hair is basically a mixed bag. At some points it is just his real hair that has been dyed. This obviously works the best. 

His longer hair lewk here is a pretty bad wig that doesn’t even give Greg Sestero’s frosted tips justice. Where are the subtle highlight nuances? Also this wig is far too dried out and doesn’t exude the greasy lumberjack hair that Sestero perfected. AND it’s not a wig that is so bad as to be funny and add another layer of ridiculousness to the proceedings. NOPE.

On the flip side, THIS horrible wig donned by that dude from the Hunger Games movies that I’ve never seen to play the dude who plays Denny in The Room absolutely IS a bad enough wig to elevate the ridiculousness of the proceedings. Hilariously bad. 

Ari Graynor’s wig to play Lisa in The Room is somewhere in between...pretty bad but not bad enough to really be hilariously bad. Meh.

Same goes for Jacki Weaver as Lisa’s mom who has breast cancer. However, I would like to know where this wig came from so that I can recreate select scenes from The Golden Girls. 

Speaking of old ladies, someone gave Sharon Stone some work! She plays Dave Franco’s agent and basically looks like if Cruella de Vil decided to go full blonde which is to say: she’s never looked better. 

Oh and Melanie Grifffith is in this too! This is literally the only picture I could find of her. She’s not wearing a wig but she looked fine. She’s also basically making the same hand gesture as Sharon Stone so extrapolate?

In the end, this movie did not need a comedic assist from any bad wigs, and I wish that all of the wigs were either on the same level as James Franco’s wig (good) or Josh Hutcherson’s wig (hilariously bad) and not a combo of the two. It’s all about wig consistencies! Therefore:

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ